Please share anything that has helped you with attachment disorders with children who have been adopted (prefer not as infants). We have a 6 year that we adopted at three. I won’t go into detail, but we need input from other people who have adopted. We have had counseling but the state stopped the contract were we are at and we are waiting for an opening again. The issues are stealing, eating issues, lying, and manipulation. Can you give your ideas?
September 26, 2007
Need Help – Adoption Issues
Posted by realworldmartha under adoption, children, counseling, parenting, special needs child | Tags: adoption, attachment disorder, children, counseling, kids, lying, manipulation, parenting, special needs child, stealing |[5] Comments
November 30, 2007 at 12:45 am
We adopted our children at 2 and 3 years of age. They were born in Russia and lived at an orphanage for about 1 year. They came from very unfortunate circumstances and my son has lingering issues. My suggestion is that your child’s issues may not be attachment disorder. Suffice it to say my son has had severe issues and after much worry and stress he was eventually diagnosed at age 12 as bi-polar. With the proper medications he is almost “normal”.
I don’t have a solution for your troubles, I just want to share that many children are mis-diagnosed because it is so very diffult to diagnose someone who cannot tell you what they think and feel because they simply don’t have the vocabulary or insight. Don’t hesitate to get multiple opinions.
I have heard of people engaging in a rather extreme form of therapy for attachment disordered children. They force attachment by never leaving the child’s side for a couple of months, by forcing cuddling, by being very strict (but not harsh or abusive) about behavior. It’s very difficult to be sure, but I have heard of a case where it worked and the child formed normal attachments. I can’t remember the details but it was on TV a couple of years ago. Perhaps you can find it in the archives of one of the TV news shows.
Good luck. I understand your stress and I wish you and your family well.
December 27, 2007 at 11:09 am
Hi – got on to see you wonderful 12 Days of Christmas – god bless. We are another of “Angel Barb’s” adopted families – I wanted to do a different opinion from the one above – you may not in fact have ANY other issue (although always good to check those out
Our adoptee (from 2.5 years) also has lying/cheating/sneaking whatever you want to call it – and our first grade teacher assures me it is something that MANY children have (some to greater degrees than others). We are trying HUGE discipline steps with him….figuring candy theiving now from our room can’t turn into something from a store later. We are talking the type of penalities we have never tried with our other children – throwing all Halloween candy away, skipping a much sought after birthday party, or putting away new birthay present until he could go 5 days w/o any sneaking/lying/cheating/stealing – any of these behaviors, not a perfect day mind you, just extremely concentrated on these behaviors – it took almost 3 weeks to “earn” the big kid toy.
On your attachment disorder……..that’s really kind of separate to me. I can see where you are thinking lack of attachment can lead to “not caring” about the stealing/lying. Our child in fact is VERY attached and HYPER attached to mother – so tends to do these type of behaviors to get my attention…… hmmmm…… I had a “renown” psychologist at ASU tell me NOT in any way to remove the “mother” time/attachment when he was younger… but I must admit, I do use this now that he is 7 years old. Maybe I am wrong, but it seems to work for both of us – if he in fact can’t keep his behavior in check and if he in fact “ignores me/backtalks/lies etc” – then he has NO MOMMY TIME at night – not reading, not cuddling, not even tucking him in bed. It becomes “DADDY TIME” so he does get attention/parental assistance but not from where he is wanting it…… again, probably against all books and I hate making Daddy the “bad guy” but the removal of mommy does seem to work for our child.
Another couple of quick thoughts…. my cousin adopted 3 children, one at birth and two older…. the middle one has severe attachment issues, always has and always will…………there were some suggestions from various experts you could try……….feeding a pet daily (mixed results by the way), caring for a younger sibling/church friend, any other form of “attaching” him to something other than to your family…..lists of proper behavior (worked well) with rewards, very concrete rewards – he is a marine right now serving in Iraq btw = so I guess the concrete list of behaviors/duties with reward is still working for him
and, btw………just so you know, both this cousin with severe attachment disorder and my adopted son with some issues – are COMPLETELY bonded to their adopted grandfathers – the tough marine just tried to get home from Iraq to bury his grandfather – (which they would not allow ) but a first real sign he truly does care about his family
perhaps you can find a “neutral/loving” person from church/neighborhood/family who can love him absolutely unconditionally with very little emphasis at all on rules/behavior…… that seems to work
just some ideas/alternate thoughts………know I am thinking of you and support your adoption of an emotionally broken child, sometimes much much much harder to repair than the physically broken child
maybe some day we can blog on “why in the world adults do this???”
oxoxoxo and thanks for the 12 days of Christmas – love it!
December 27, 2007 at 3:43 pm
Hi Julie,
So nice to meet you. We are coming along and have been reading a wonderful book on Attachment that has been great.
Each experience is so different is’t it? Those that we read on regarding attachment fit some of the very same struggles that we are going through.
The little one hasn’t responded much to taking things away or even throwing out bags of candy. One person that we know advised that he is so use to misery he invites it as it’s what he knows.
Time will tell but we just keep plugging away.
Thanks so much for your comment. I love hearing from other adoptive moms esp from Barb.
Debbie
February 18, 2008 at 8:02 pm
I am a grandparent of an adopted child I am no longer allowed to see, please help?
Details presented if you reply!
April 9, 2009 at 2:10 am
I have a 20 and 17 year old girl and boy from Russia. We adopted them in 1991. We’ve been doing this a long time. Since we were one of first to adopt from Russia, there wasn’t much information to help us like there is now. Basisicly, we’ve done some things right and some things wrong. Here’s a little insight from “how did they turn out”.
My son showed the same tentenancies that your child is now. Take them serious and don’t let teachers or other partents say they’ll out grow them. Children with an early childhood traum – like separation from birth mom have very special needs.
We only knew to parent him in the traditional way – rewards and punishment. It never worked. We just kept increasing both and his behavior only got worse. It was down right criminal! Finally at 15, we had to send him to a treatment center for Attachment Disorder. It was wonderful and we learned a lot.
After reading blog #2 I had to write. I’d HIGHLY recommend not using that advise. (Please, no offense to that mom. We all are just doing our very best.) Especially, DON’T take mommy time away from your child. That’s what they need and crave. Also, when we punish these kids, it adds to their shame of being unworthy to be “kept” by their birth mom. And, they stuggle with trusting authority because as babies and young children, authority let them down and that part of the brain didn’t develop like “normal” kids. They actually want to do the opposite of what authority is asking because they don’t trust.
Good news, there is a better way! We had to learn it the hard way so I hope you can benefit sooner than we did.
Go to:
http://www.beyondconsequences.com
A mom named Heather Forbes is an adoptive parent and a theropist. She experienced the same things with her kids. She’s studied, promotes, teaches, & supports a way of parenting that is wonderful for these kids. It has taken a year for us to get fully on board with the concepts – they work! (p.s. I’m not a sales person for the website – just a happy mom and successful mom).
We still have issues but now I feel empowered to help my son. We have a wonderful family life and as issues arise, we manage them and move on.
God bless you and every parent who is doing this great and worthwhile job.
Cathy