February 25, 2008
Homeschool thoughts…
Posted by realworldmartha under children, family, friendships, happy, home, home school, mom, parenting, realationships | Tags: 5th grade, adults, arizona, blessing, boss, bossy, bullying, children, confidence, confident, cruel, devotions, different, education, energy, enjoyable, experience, friend, ful language, girlfriends, girls, God, Godly, guilt, home school, home schooling, homeschool, homework, hurt, kids, maturity, options, parenting, perfectionist, pick your battles, poison, pray, praying, problems, public schools, puppet, resilient, running away, self esteem, situation, snap decision, son, story, teacher, tease, temptation, tempted, vlaentines day, wears you down |I don’t usually go too far into the homeschool topic as my goal was to get my little one back into the school system as my oldest currently is. I have toyed with the idea of homeschooling my oldest as the education in Arizona is not rated high at all. For example, in 5 th grade he watches movies every half day and several times in music class. He rarely has homework. He hasn’t even had a book report! But as he gets older I have not been confident homeschooling is the best option either. At times he seems happy at school and then really upset at times. He is somewhat of a “drama king” so it’s hard to know what school is really like. And the teacher has a limited perspective since they aren’t on the playground.
He is a very handsome boy that is extremely smart and funny. But coming from a parent it doesn’t mean much and the school environment finds anything to tease about. They have teased him about his nostrils for goodness sake! A few kids got on the bandwagon of saying that they are more triangular than round. I don’t think any other human being would have ever even thought that EVER, but kids did. It hurts him and he is not very resilient. But I wasn’t either at that age.
What started all this thoughts of homeschooling again is that yesterday he and his friend got into some trouble that I don’t think either one anticipated the outcome or consequences, but it could have gotten out of hand real quick like. They wanted to go on adventure with backpacks packed and sneaking out. It was more spy and camping oriented than anything else but it still was about sneaking out of the house. He was out of the house with bag packed and over at his friends. Friends parents weren’t there but thankfully friend didn’t answer the knock on his window so he came home. This friend I believed, planned it and my son went along with it. This friend, when he is over, can be bossy and uses physical measures on my son. The friend doesn’t have a lot of other friends and there is some control over my son having others (from what I understand).
When we talk to him about how he feels and what is going on in his life he talks about teasing, bullying, and girl pressure (to have a girlfriend). He feels that no girls will or have ever liked him. Valentines day is always a huge disappointment. He came home on Valentines day very upset and said that this is the 4th year in a row that someone didn’t give him a personal Valentines Day card. (They all have to give the store bought ones to each other but they can buy ones at school for their friends.)
He also has trouble with the constant foul language used. He say it hurts him to hear it but now he is tempted with it. He said it’s like “poison in my heart”. He is having trouble avoiding the temptation and has guilt over it. We tell him we understand and that we are not surprised. We don’t like it but we get the temptation. He still has lots of guilt over it so we pray and he prays.
Even though he is almost always the oldest in his class he seems to let everyone boss him around. He acts like a puppet. At the same time he doesn’t pick his battles and can get on other kids sometimes about things they do wrong. He can be a first born perfectionist. We talk and work with him on his self esteem and bullying. He have done mock bullying for him to practice how to stand up for himself in a Godly way. We have worked on building his confidence, praying to God for help, and doing his devotions in the morning. But when you are at school for a good part of your day it wears you down. Like a person who is at a job with a boss that is critical all day long. At the end of the day you are worn out. As adults we may have more resilience, words, and maturity to handle the situation. How can kids do it?
I know for me and my husband schooling (except for me at college) was NOT an enjoyable experience!!! I would not want to go back and there are still scars from the hurt. I of course have let things go but it’s apart of who you are. God can turn it into a blessing, but I don’t think it’s God’s original design. So I think does it just go away. Are kids better off for having gone through it? Of course you learn from it but are you equipped to handle it?
The last part of my son’s story is that he has been to three different schools since 1st grade. Now for some parts of the country (or generations) this may seem like a lot, but it’s more common here. In first grade he went to a really good academic school but he received detention virtually everyday for his energy level. He is very active and this is the strictness school I have ever seen. We sent to another charter for second, third, and forth and the academics were not as good but it seemed to be a better fit with more arts and dealing with his level of activeness. As the years went on the academics seemed to slide but this is not why we changed schools.
We actually moved him this year as my little one started out at a school near our home that we thought would be a good match for him and his special needs. The kids were on two different schedules. Two different PTA’s, spring breaks, “Christmas” break, and two different start and end times. It was exhausting. Before we pulled the little one for home-schooling we transferred our oldest to the local public school as the neighborhood kids went there and he wanted to go to school with them. This put us on the same calendar and the bus for one would make it easier on pick up.
So now we don’t know what to do. Should we pull our oldest next year to home school? Are we just running away from problems? What if we homeschool; at what point do they go back mainstream? What if it doesn’t work and we all start to go crazy with each other?
Of course I know that many people in public schools will say stay as he needs to learn how to deal with this. Home schooling families will say homeschool. I would like to go beyond just a general statement and figure out the best option for us. We are praying and don’t want to make a snap decision.
So that’s the story got anything for me?
February 25, 2008 at 11:53 am
I know this sounds simplistic, but what does your husband say? My hubby used to just trust me with these options & didn’t really have an opinion. The weight of it all got to me. Once I laid it all out - pros & cons, my struggles with it all - he had a very clear plan & we went with it. It has definitely been for the best all around. It would not have been what I came up with, but it has been the best plan.
As unPC as this is, Husbands & Daddys are more equipped to make these decisions.
Word of wisdom: Once he gives his decision, don’t “renig” & think your plan would be better which will probably your tendency if you’re a normal woman. Go with it & trust the Lord. Your hubby loves the Lord, doesn’t he? And he loves your boy? Trust him. Trust God to work through him.
February 25, 2008 at 1:06 pm
Great cooment! I agree!
My hubby and I are both feeling the struggle. We are keeping up the prayers and will not make a decision to make any changes this year but will for the coming if needed.
Thanks so much!
February 25, 2008 at 6:21 pm
I see a lot of tiny but disturbing red flags in your story. No academic challenge? Needing a girlfriend in 5th grade? Becoming a follower regardless of who the leader is? He needs some intense time with a Godly man for an example! Pull him-and find a way for him to work beside your husband to learn what it means to be a man-he needs strength to withstand. Peer pressure only gets stronger from here-he needs some tools. BTW–triangle nostrils? I would have traded my “butt-chin” in for them in an instant! Kids this age are absolute proof of the sin nature!!
February 25, 2008 at 6:27 pm
A “dad” piping in:
There are two completely different issues here.
1. Social
2. Education
The social aspects of this are going to have to be dealt with…we all have to find a way to function in society. And we all know that people can can be very judgemental and cruel. This is a fact.
The educational side is what we are talking about here. If the social issues are hindering his education AND you are willing and capable of homeschooling, that seems like the best option.
There will be many options to have him interact socially with others and you should find ways to make that happen in relatively controlled situations to allow him to be comfortable.
If you decide to keep him in the public school, stick with him and support him. Let him know how you were teased and how you did/should have handled it then. Find a way to get him into a group. It may be sports, boy scouts or even a chess club.
Boys are like wolves and they need a pack. But these packs have to be controlled and you should know the parents of these boys and be able to trust each other as parents.
Talk to him about the same “pressures” we have as adults. Women are much more capable of dealing with this topic than men can ever be, because of the great stress you are put under regarding “appearances” in this society.
You sound like excellent parents.
February 25, 2008 at 6:55 pm
I can see the reason behind your comment on my site now.
I’m so sorry you’re struggling so much - especially your son. That’s got to be so hard. There is definitely truth to what you said about public schoolers probably telling you to stay and homeschoolers telling you to homeschool.
Since I’m a homeschooler I’ll give you the reasons why I would consider homeschooling. This is just my opinion and I’m not trying to say what you should do. Rather I just want to share the thoughts I had after reading this.
Just as you said though - this needs to be prayed about and you and your husband need to come to an agreement no matter what your decision is.
A big red flag to me is the way your son is getting treated by other kids. I don’t believe any child should have to put up with this kind of treatment. I don’t agree with the philosophy that some have that says they just need to learn how to deal with this. Honestly, where else in life do any of us ever deal with this kind of treatment besides a school? If someone behaved in this way in the real world at a job they’d probably get fired. There are some things that kids do that if they were an adult someone might call the police on them! Know what I mean?
Another red flag is the seemingly lack of learning taking place. Watching movies all the time??? How is that teaching anything of value? Not that movies are bad in and of themselves but they shouldn’t be used that frequently as a teaching tool!
Another thing that would really worry me is what you said in the paragraph about the language he’s hearing. If he is surrounded by ungodly people all day who behave in an ungodly way it’s eventually going to rub off on him. I realize there are some that are able to stand firm against this but in my opinion most kids are not equipped to deal with this. God tells us we are to teach our kids the way they should go. He also tells us to protect our minds and hearts and not let unholy things into them.
You’ve clearly laid out the struggles your family is facing with the public school but I’d be interested in what your pros and cons are for both sides. I don’t know if you saw my response to your comment on my site yet but as I said on there I would love for you to e-mail me if there’s anything specific I could help you with or any questions I could answer for you. I’ll be praying for you and your family!
February 25, 2008 at 9:57 pm
My first thought for you is to take 30 or more days to pray, fast consistantly, and journal with your husband. Jesus made your little boy, and He alone knows what is best for him. Engageing the heart of God on behalf of your son gives you sense of what is right for him. Journaling your thoughts, feelings, and impressions over time helps seperate truth from emotion. Fasting adds power to your prayers.
Next, make sure you have fully dealt with issues from your childhood. I’m sure you have if you had any, but be aware of potential emotional land minds.
I know that when my kiddos expierience rejection it pushes my buttons like nobodys business not only because I’m a mamam bear, but because of the extreme rejection I expierienced as a child. Asking Jesus to heal my heart, and processing through my junk gives me a secure platform to speak truth to my children and not be emotionally driven. (not saying you are, just checking off my personal mental list)
I personally don’t believe there is one perfect method of schooling. I have homeschooled, private schooled, and now public schooled and at each sesason, each option presented it’s challenges and graces. Hearing from the Lord HIS direction for what was BEST for each of our children has provided a grace to endure the challenges of that paticular season.
I was homeschooled from kinder to grad. and I do not homeschool. The detriment it caused me and my brothers and sisters has been deep and life impacting so, one can do the right thing for the wrong reasons and cause more harm than good. Homeschooling is not a cure all; I’ve seen it done well, but I’ve seen it done terribly and situations made needlessly worse by loving , careing parents. I’m open to it, but it’s not the direction God is leading us personally right now.
Private school is where my son learned the F word. It honestly didn’t bother me. I told him matter of factly it’s an ac- ro- nmym for formal unlawful carnal knowledge and it was used to bring shame on people during medieval times and that is why we don’t say it today, because we are Jesus lovers and we want our words to bring life not shame. He said, “oh” and skipped along. He wasn’t ruined by it and to this day doesn’t even remember the word. Kids can hear dirty things in sunday school. It’s not my role as a mom to keep/shield him, it’s my job to disciple and equip them. we have wonderful relationships with great lines of communication and tons of fun along the way.
Two years of school my son was picked on and dealt with a boy who humiliated him and it was in a Christian school. I prayed and asked Jesus if we were suppose to pull him and we felt not. IT was SO hard but God was SO good and His grace was enough. We built him up during this season with Bible verses, affirmation and trusted that God who started a good work, would be faithful to complete it. The character of God was cemented on our son’s heart and life those two years because he was so hungry for Jesus to meet him in this relationship at school. It marked his character and he doesn’t doubt who God is in those areas because he had a first hand expierience with who God is in his life. We were released with a very specific word to put all three of our children at the public school down the road and I must say it was very hard for me. I thought I would homeschool but God had different plans.
It’s not always a cake walk, but I have learned that the center of God’s will is the safest place to be… in afganistan or the suburbs matters not to me. I just want to be where Jesus is.
For us acedemics have never been in question. Our kids remain challenged. we supplement at home with awesome literature in the evenings, and a lot of family games.
Bottome line, if your looking for opinions to back up the decision your leaning towards, you’ll find it. But asking Jesus and getting His answer will be awesome for your family in the long haul. Even if it looks different from someone elses. Feel free to email me about our expieriences.
February 26, 2008 at 7:33 am
It seems to me that you already know what you want and have to do… You are just looking for the courage to do it.
Homeschooling does and should scare parents to death… That’s OK. It means you will do a great job.
Perhaps you may want to start with a hybrid homeschooling program.. Google “Veritas” and “Masters Academy of Fine Arts”. Make some connections in your local homeschool community and find out what resources are available.
February 26, 2008 at 8:50 am
My thoughts would be to examine why the homeschooling didn’t work for you to begin with. Is there a different approach that could be used. Could you try a virtual school type approach or if that’s what you tried and didn’t work is there another approach that could work. In other words, doing what you did the same way that broke you, isn’t the answer, but is there a different way that would make you all feel better about it. Look at what didn’t work for you and your kids objectively and brainstorm as a family what resolutions could be for either homeschooling or going to public/private school, but look at it objectively and try to isolate the issues of what does and doesn’t work for you.
February 26, 2008 at 11:13 am
Thank you all so much for your comments esp. the encouraging ones! We, of course, will be praying and looking for God’s direction on this. I wanted to just getting out and also I believe God gives us people that can give an outside view of a situation so that’s why I blogged about it. God’s opinion will be first for us and we will just keep plugging away. Thanks so much and all prayers are appreciated!
Blessings
February 26, 2008 at 12:10 pm
Oh, for perfect wisdom, and the ability to see as God sees!
Praying for you today, friend.
February 26, 2008 at 1:23 pm
I can speak as a former public schooler and newbie homeschooler. We pulled my daughter after 6th grade and started homeschooling this year. She suffered from much teasing and difficulties learning although she does not have any learning disabilities, just concentration and impulse problems.
When we first discussed homeschooling, she thought it was preposterous because she loved being at school (or thought she did). I just prayed that if God wanted me to homeschool her, he would change her heart. Without her cooperation, homeschooling would not work after 7 years in public school. It was amazing as I saw her gradually change her mind and wrestle with the decision. I told her to pray and God would show her the answer. By the end of 6th grade, she decided she wanted to try homeschooling. She loves it. She is so much less stressed. She has also told me many more things about how mean the kids were that she would not share at the time. We have spent the bulk of this year just working on her self-esteem. She had no confidence but she is now learning that under a different environment, she is much smarter than she felt like she was. Her learning style did not match with the school’s. It was getting harder as she got older. Pulling her out was a scary thing for me but it is the best decision we have made regarding her education.
I hope that helps some. The main thing is to pray and see where God is leading you.
February 27, 2008 at 9:07 am
Hi “Martha”,
Thanks for taking the time to visit my blog! I’m getting ready to add a page to my blog (maybe today) that is about one of the curriculum’s we use, an online curriculum called Time4Learning. If you have some specific questions, though, please feel free to e-mail me at ttfn (at)topsy-techie (dot) com …congratulations on your choice to homeschool both kiddos. I know from experience it isn’t an easy one! Check out my post called: This Teacher Deserves An Apple (iphone) to read more about our “accidental” homeschooling!
March 16, 2008 at 10:28 pm
I have visited this site on many an occasion now but this post is the 1st one that I have ever commented on.
Congratulations on such a fine article and site I have found it very helpful and informative - I only wish that there were more out there like this one.
I never leave empty handed, sometimes I may even be a little disappointed that I may not agree with a post or reply that has been made. But hey! that is life and if every one agreed on the same thing what a boring old world we would live in.
Keep up the good work and cheers.